Really, people?

I have recently been reading some articles regarding an LDS ward trunk or treat in Sandy. The trunk or treat was opened up to anybody in the community. The only stipulations were no masks could be worn and nobody was to dress in cross-dressing costumes. This caused all sorts of outrage as people considered this to be the height of discrimination. Really, people? How in the world is this offensive? First of all, nobody is making you go to this trunk or treat. Second, it is sponsored by an LDS ward and they should be allowed to set down the rules that make them comfortable. Third, do we have nothing better to find fault in than this? My family and I once went to a carnival that was hosted by another Christian church. We knew this ahead of time. There was coffee being served there and people were proselyting for said church. We did not contact the media to tell them how offended we found this. We didn't feel like they were discriminating against those who don't drink coffee or don't attend their church. We knew that we would encounter people that did not believe the exact same way we did and determined that we were okay with that. Many people we encounter in life will not believe the way we do. That is life. That is agency. We are all different. I do not believe this LDS ward set out to make anybody not feel included. As Christians, the LDS people are taught to love and accept everybody. But when you go to someone's "home", you live by their rules while you are there. If you can't do that, don't go. Nobody is making you. Move on. Find somewhere else where you can feel free to be yourself but don't go around whining because you can't impose your belief's on everyone else in every situation. Okay, rant over now.

Living with anxiety and panic attacks

There seems to be something about the end of May and beginning of June that causes my anxiety to come back with a vengeance. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I am aware of is an uneasiness and pressure in my chest. I say my prayers, read my scriptures and try to calm myself down but nothing seems to make it better. If I stay busy all day I can usually keep the panic attacks away, although I feel on the verge of one all day long. I paste on a smile when anyone is watching but when they look away my face mirrors my internal feelings of fear, worry, anxiety, panic and pain. The biggest question running through my head all day is "How can I keep myself and my children safe in case I can't control the panic any longer?" The next biggest question is "What is causing this and how can I make it stop?"

Driving is never a good idea when I am feeling overly anxious. I have had to pull over into a parking lot before just so the panic attack didn't hit while I was on the road. If I have to drive and pulling over isn't an option, I try to channel all my anxiety into my muscles. I tense up and drive with my hands like vice grips on the steering wheel. My jaw stays clenched and I "try" to think of anything except the anxiety war going on inside. And it IS like a war. My sanity is battling an unseen, unprovoked enemy and often times my sanity loses and the enemy takes over for a time. I hate those times. They make me feel weak and vulnerable. I don't like feeling that way. I don't like having to worry about being out in public and having an "attack". It's so embarrassing and degrading. It makes me not want to venture out but then I know the enemy wins and I CAN'T allow that. But, the questions still remain: why? what causes this? how do I make it stop? what am I supposed to learn from this? I wish I knew the answers. I can't help but assume they relate to the abuse from my father when I was a child. I just don't know how they relate or how to make them go away. Most days I don't even think about what happened to me as a child. I have worked through it over and over. I have forgiven my dad, although I will never have a relationship with him again. My life is good. So, why does this enemy keep attacking? What does it gain from coming back over and over again? And how to do I live day after day without allowing it to completely take over? I do what I know how to do...just keep going, keep doing what I need to do, keep praying, keep reading scriptures, keep being a mom, keep living, and keep fighting. Maybe one day the enemy will fight it's last fight and never return.

I will now take a bow...

Unbeknownst to me, my friend, Shana at momswithocd.blogspot.com/ nominated me for the stylish blogger award. (Yes, it was like 6 weeks ago but I just barely caught up on reading blogs.) Thanks Shana! I am honored.
Part of the acceptance of this award is to post 7 things about myself and to forward the award on. So, here goes my 7 things. Prepare to be amazed...NOT. :)

1. I homeschool my 5 (well 4 now since Kelea is in college) children. I know you are shocked and never knew this about me. Hehehe I LOVE teaching children, especially those that I have a vested interest in. It is my passion. Some days are better and more productive than others but every day is an adventure.

2. I LOVE music! (This is actually tied with #3.) I love to listen to music to fit whatever mood I may be in. We crank the music up in our house while we are cleaning or we listen and sing along in the car while we are driving. I listen to everything from Josh Groban to LDS music to country(like Colin Raye or Carrie Underwood) to alternative (like Daughtry) to pop (like Kelly Clarkson) to musicals (like Les Mis). The only music I don't care for is rap and anything with loud bass. Yuck! Also, music would not be music if you couldn't sing along. I love to sing along to music. That also determines whether I like it or not. If I can't sing along, it's not worth my time.

3. I LOVE to read! My newest favorite author is Karen Kingsbury. She writes Christian fiction. It is so uplifting and always has a good message. I read almost everything I can get my hands on. I really love that I can download e-books on my nook and kindle apps on my phone. That way I can always have something with me to read. This makes me happy. :)

4. I have anxiety. As far as I know I have had this all my life but I didn't have a name for it until recently. Now, I am on daily medication and it makes it better but there have been days that anxiety has caused me to struggle from paralysis (literally) and numerous anxiety attacks. It sucks some days but I am learning how to work through it. The remedy seems to be keeping myself busy and lots of prayer.

5. I am a survivor of sexual abuse at the hands of my father. This has caused me many emotional breakdowns. I am slowly working through all of the baggage from my past but I have a great support system in my family and friends and my Savior. Some of the strongest people I know have survived some form of abuse and I intend on coming out of this stronger than ever.

6. I hate...laundry... but enjoy cleaning. I should say that I enjoy the benefits of a clean, orderly house. But, laundry is not my friend. With 6 people that wear clothes that I am responsible for washing every week, we have mountains of laundry. Probably half of it belongs to my almost 6 year old, Jessica, who changes clothes as often in a day as most people do in a week. I find every excuse I can to not do laundry. I have now offered it as a paying job for my 10 year old, Zach. I pay him $3/load to sort, wash, dry, fold and put away. Now, I can concentrate on cleaning. Awww...I love looking at a clean room. Everybody wins! Yay!

7. As my blog name implies, I am a Mormon. We are otherwise known as Latter Day Saints from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. For those of you that keep telling me we are not Christian, please see the above title of our church. I am grateful, more than words can express, for the gospel and the part it plays in my life. It is my foundation. Everything important to me in my life is centered around my relationship with my Father in Heaven and my Savior, Jesus Christ. I strive to live my life in a way that will reflect their images in my countenance. I often fall short but I know that they still love me and will still be there for me. I will forever be in their debt.

There you have it-7 things about me. They are probably not big surprises. I don't really keep any of them secret (except maybe the loathing laundry). :) Now, I would like to pass on the Stylish Blogger award to one of the greatest women I know, my sister, Jan. Check out her blog at
proudmommcbride.blogspot.com

I have earned every one of these gray hairs

I am quickly approaching my 40th birthday. I know it is not politically correct for a woman to discuss her age but I am really okay with turning 40. The funny thing is that I practically curled up and wanted to die when I turned 30. I saw it as the "end of my youth" (spoken very dramatically). I am ready to reach forty with my gray streaked head held high with pride. I have lived 4 decades and I have the battle scars to prove it. While it's true that gravity is not a friend to my 40 year old body, and I have long since passed my children's idea of old, I am really enjoying this phase of my life. I feel like I am wise enough to not make some of the mistakes of youth (usually) but still youthful enough to be able to laugh at life and not always take it so seriously. Just yesterday I had to laugh at myself as I was jammin out to Colin Raye while I was cleaning the kitchen. I was sporting an invisible guitar and everything. I even laugh at my gray, almost white, hairs. Of course, I try to pull them out one by one when I can see them. Pretty soon I won't have any hairs left on my head if I keep pulling out all the color-challenged ones. :) So, to all of my friends that are slowly approaching 40, hold your head up high. You will soon belong to the club entitled "I have earned every one of these gray hairs". Welcome!

When is a nerf gun dart more than just a nerf gun dart?

I guess I am waxing philisophical today but I found myself looking at my son's nerf gun dart on the floor and being gratetful for it. I know that seems strange, considering they are usually all over the house and I am usually gathering them up for Zach to put in his room... AGAIN. But, seeing that dart on the ground made me think of how one day my home will probably be clean and everything will be in place. It will not be anytime soon, but it will come eventually. I will miss the days of nerf darts on the floor and nagging my kids for the umpteenth time about cleaning their room or doing their chores. Many times in the crazyness of my life, I feel overwhelmed and dream of a time in the day that I can just be alone for 2 minutes. I see the kids running all over and fighting or making messes and I grumble that I am cleaning the same rooms, the same counters, the same bathrooms and the same dirty hands and faces more times than I can count. I often use words like "chaotic", "stressful", and "overwhelming" when describing my life. I occasionally have a little "pity party for one" because my obligations and responsibilities allow me very little personal time. But not right now. Right now I am grateful for that nerf gun dart on the ground and for a playroom that needs cleaning and for messy fingerprint marks on the sliding glass door. I am thankful that my home is full of children, even fighting, grumpy children, because it means my life is full of love and joy and all of the emotions and messes of 5 wonderful children (and a dog). I don't even think I will have Zach pick up that nerf gun dart tonight. Maybe tomorrow... but maybe not.

Food: Friend or Foe?

Throughout my life I have had a love/hate relationship with food. I taught myself to turn to food in order to not have to FEEL anything. Food would push down the sorrow, fear, anger, depression or anything else I was feeling. It was also my protection. When I was a young teenager I was obsessed with trying to stay thin. I would wake up and exercise before I went to school every day. I even joined Weight Watchers and got down to my goal weight. While I loved losing weight and feeling good about myself, I started noticing that I was getting more attention from the opposite sex. This was exciting when it was someone my age. Unfortunately, those were not the only people I was attracting. When I was 13, my dad began sexually abusing me. For whatever reason, I did not tell what was happening to me. I had this idea that I had to just be strong and handle it on my own. The only way I could handle it was with food. It was my comfort. I was still able to keep weight off for a few more years but once I started having children, the weight started piling on. I noticed that the more weight I gained, the less I was noticed by men. I began to equate being heavy with being safe from the kind of attention and abuse I received in my childhood. I would give half-hearted attempts at losing weight, even losing 150 pounds the year after my divorce from my first husband, but I would start to feel insecure and afraid again and the weight always came back on. At some point, I decided I was just supposed to be heavy and I gave up trying.

Satan had me right where he wanted me. The more I stopped caring about my body-my temple-the more complacent I became with everything. My scripture reading, personal prayers, temple attendance, church attendance, and spiritual growth became sporadic. Isn't it funny how all those things would tie in with food? So, what changed, you may ask? The answer is I have no idea. Seriously, there was no magic potion or lightning bolt that caused me to see the error of my ways. Looking back on things now, I realize everything happened one step at a time. Isn't that how our Heavenly Father often works? The things that have happened to me in the last few years have all played a part in changing the way I look at life (and food). Coming to terms with my childhood has been a big step. The process is ongoing but I feel much more at peace about it now. I am working through the steps of forgiving my dad and myself. It has taken counseling, hours of prayer, priesthood blessings, many conversations with close family and friends, and A LOT of help from a loving, patient Heavenly Father. It has also taken a greater understanding of exactly how the atonement benefits me personally. Another step in this process has been the change in my relationship with my husband. I didn't trust men. Sometimes, I still don't. That distrust was overflowing into my marriage and it was not productive. A couple of years ago things came to a head and my life would've never been the same if things had turned out differently. Now, I try not to take my husband for granted. I am very grateful for him. I'm grateful that he has been by my side helping me through this life. He has never put me down because of my weight, and his unconditional love makes me want to be a better person.

One of the biggest steps in finally having the desire and determination to get healthy is that I am aware of just how wonderful life can be, especially when you are living in accordance with the teachings of the gospel and the scriptures. I have watched people I love and respect make huge changes in their lives and have seen the joy that brings. I want that joy. I want to be healthy and strong. I want to be around a long time and make many happy memories with my husband, children, family and friends. I want my Father in Heaven to be proud of the choices I am making with this life He has blessed me with. I am realizing the value of food as a way to energize and nourish my body. I am realizing that it's okay to feel; in fact, it's a good thing. Most importantly, I am realizing that life is wonderful and I am ready to LIVE IT!

A New Year Means Changes

So, here I am, finally venturing into the world of blogging. I am not at all sure what I am doing but this should be an adventure in learning.
With the first month of 2011 already gone, life around here has been changing. I should say that mama bear has been making some changes and dragging the rest of the family along for the ride. :) Good thing they all love me. Some of the changes I have instituted consist of eating healthier, exercising more (and by more, I mean actually exercising at all), expanding our spiritual knowledge on a personal level as well as on a family level, and learning how to schedule our time in such a way that we are using it wisely and not wasting it on trivial things. All of these changes are exciting and difficult. We (mostly me) had become lazy about life. We went along and did our daily things but we didn't really grow (except out). We were just stagnant. Now, our life is an adventure. Sometimes the adventure is not always an enjoyable one but an adventure is an adventure. Hopefully, we can continue our adventures and 2011 will be a year full of growth for our family.