My daughter, Sami, was supposed to go to girl's camp last Monday. She went to camp last year and had some hard, lonely experiences but she was trying to get past it to go to camp this year. She had her bags packed 4 days before camp and she talked about camp with excitement (most of the time). The night before she would leave she broke down. This is not unusual for Sami. You see, Sami has Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Most people just think this is another way of saying she is afraid of a lot of things. It's actually a lot more than that. Nobody has any idea how hard the every day little things are for her and for others that suffer from some type of mental disorder. For Sami, she worries about things that no 13 year old should have to worry about. Her worries for camp included: What if I get altitude sickness? What if I get bit by a poisonous spider? What if we are in an accident on the way there? What if I get food poisoning? What if I need to come home? What if I have no one to talk to? And the list goes on and on. Every time she would come to me with a worry I would try to logically talk her through it. The problem is that anxiety disorders are not logical. You can't just talk the worries away. That's the difference between an everyday fear and an anxiety disorder. I get frustrated that people label Sami and others as afraid of everything. Sami is actually a very brave young lady. Even though she walks through every day of her life worrying about hundreds of things, she keeps trying, keeps moving forward, and does not just let the anxiety win. Sometimes the anxiety is more than her young 13 year old mind can push through but that does not make her weak and afraid. It means she has already fought it and fought it as much as she possibly can and it has worn her out. At these times, Sami is heart broken. She knows that her disorder has taken another opportunity from her to be a normal young lady. This was how she felt on Monday morning when it was time to climb in the cars and after fighting and fighting her anxieties, she couldn't do it. The way that some people responded to Sami's inability to follow through and go to camp made me realize that many people just don't understand mental disorders. Having a panic disorder myself and knowing many wonderful, strong, courageous people with mental disorders I have found some things that seem to be good rules to remember:
1. Mental disorders are no different than any other disease in that they are not something the person can easily (if at all) control. Would you expect someone with diabetes to force themselves to stabilize their insulin levels? It's no different with a mental disorder. People think that because our minds are so strong, those with mental disorders should be able to talk themselves out of their feelings. What they don't understand is that our brain is the part of our body that is malfunctioning at these times.
2. People with mental disorders are not just trying to get attention. They often do not want the attention brought on by a break down, panic attack or some other symptom. They wish they could hide where no one could see what they are going through but many times the situations that trigger a break down are caused by the stress of others expecting something from them that they can't do. Therefore they find themselves feeling on display for others to judge their inadequacies. If possible, give them space to fight through what they are dealing with without feeling awkward and embarrassed about being observed.
3. The symptoms of mental illness many times seem illogical because they are. Don't be offended if your attempts at logically talking someone out of their feelings doesn't work. The last time I had a panic attack I was on my way to a bridal shower. There is nothing logical about panicking about a bridal shower. It made no sense to me and therefore there was no logical way to "talk me through it".
4. People with mental disorders are actually fighting their disorder all the time. They don't always show or tell what is going on in their mind. Imagine if you were fighting an internal fight all of your waking hours. It can make you grumpy, irritable and sometimes selfish. Do not take this personally or make someone feel like they have disappointed you. Just give them space to work through things. Here again, would you expect someone with cancer to have energy all the time? Would you fault them for those times that they are too tired to accomplish anything? It is the same for those with mental disorders. Their symptoms are directly linked to their disorder. Sometimes just waking up and putting one foot in front of the other and trying to fake their way through a day is all they can handle.
5. The most important thing is to just love them. Don't expect more than they are capable of. Don't judge them. Don't make them feel like a freak because they are not "normal". Do not talk about them behind their back. They did not ask for this but are doing the best they can. Just love them. Because the truth is they have a hard time loving themselves and they need to know someone believes in them.
