9-11 Memorial

   ( Yes, I am very aware that September 11th was almost 2 weeks ago. It's taken me that long to get this on the blog. )

 As a family we have always spent time on September 11th  walking through The Healing Fields by Sandy City Hall. We listen to the stories, read the names of those that died, talk about what happened that day and have even volunteered our time in taking the flags down. If you don't know what The Healing Fields is it is a display that was put up for 10 years in Sandy, Utah to honor those that lost their lives that day. There has always been one flag for each person that died as visual reminder of who was taken from us that day. With the USA flags standing in proxy for each person that died it has also been a reminder of the spirit of the American people. That is what I like to remember most. As a nation we were senselessly attacked that day but we were not defeated. There are stories after stories of how people came together to help one another, even at the expense of their own lives. We did not cower and live in fear. We came together to show our patriotism. We did not let those terrorists win. I remember for months afterward seeing flags flying in almost every yard as a show of solidarity and support for our nation and those whose lives were forever changed.
     We were heartbroken to find out that The Healing Fields was not going to be displayed this year. In our home school studies we have always spent September 11th remembering that day. As September 11th approached this year, my kids and I were trying to come up with a project that we could do that would be a small-scale 9-11 memorial. After throwing around many different ideas we decided to make our own version of The Healing Fields. Using toothpicks as our flag poles, we cut out white pieces of paper and colored the blue rectangles and the red stripes, glued the flags to the toothpicks and stuck them into a Styrofoam board. We made 2,983 flags by hand. What we thought would be a one day project that would take maybe 5 or 6 hours, turned into a 6 day project that took over 20 hours with 6 of us doing most of the work but 3 or 4 others joining in to help here and there. It was truly a labor of love that caused us to shed blood, sweat and tears (literally). Our flags varied in shape and size and color, not unlike those whose lives they were representing. Some were more faded and worn by the time we finished, others were bright and bold. Some flags stood taller and straighter while others were angled and closer to the ground. Some were short, some were tall, some were wide and some narrow. They all had something in common, though-they were all American flags. They all represented a life that was cut short. Each flag represented many lives affected by the events of that day. Each flag was worth the time and effort it took us. We will keep this memorial and take it out each year (maybe even add new aspects to it) and remember...to never forget.
   

Some of the strongest people I know have a mental disorder

     My daughter, Sami, was supposed to go to girl's camp last Monday. She went to camp last year and had some hard, lonely experiences but she was trying to get past it to go to camp this year. She had her bags packed 4 days before camp and she talked about camp with excitement (most of the time). The night before she would leave she broke down. This is not unusual for Sami. You see, Sami has Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Most people just think this is another way of saying she is afraid of a lot of things. It's actually a lot more than that. Nobody has any idea how hard the every day little things are for her and for others that suffer from some type of mental disorder. For Sami, she worries about things that no 13 year old should have to worry about. Her worries for camp included: What if I get altitude sickness? What if I get bit by a poisonous spider? What if we are in an accident on the way there? What if I get food poisoning? What if I need to come home? What if I have no one to talk to? And the list goes on and on. Every time she would come to me with a worry I would try to logically talk her through it. The problem is that anxiety disorders are not logical. You can't just talk the worries away. That's the difference between an everyday fear and an anxiety disorder. I get frustrated that people label Sami and others as afraid of everything. Sami is actually a very brave young lady. Even though she walks through every day of her life worrying about hundreds of things, she keeps trying, keeps moving forward, and does not just let the anxiety win. Sometimes the anxiety is more than her young 13 year old mind can push through but that does not make her weak and afraid. It means she has already fought it and fought it as much as she possibly can and it has worn her out. At these times, Sami is heart broken. She knows that her disorder has taken another opportunity from her to be a normal young lady. This was how she felt on Monday morning when it was time to climb in the cars and after fighting and fighting her anxieties, she couldn't do it. The way that some people responded to Sami's inability to follow through and go to camp made me realize that many people just don't understand mental disorders. Having a panic disorder myself and knowing many wonderful, strong, courageous people with mental disorders I have found some things that seem to be good rules to remember:

1. Mental disorders are no different than any other disease in that they are not something the person can easily (if at all) control. Would you expect someone with diabetes to force themselves to stabilize their insulin levels? It's no different with a mental disorder. People think that because our minds are so strong, those with mental disorders should be able to talk themselves out of their feelings. What they don't understand is that our brain is the part of our body that is malfunctioning at these times.

2. People with mental disorders are not just trying to get attention. They often do not want the attention brought on by a break down, panic attack or some other symptom. They wish they could hide where no one could see what they are going through but many times the situations that trigger a break down are caused by the stress of others expecting something from them that they can't do. Therefore they find themselves feeling on display for others to judge their inadequacies. If possible, give them space to fight through what they are dealing with without feeling awkward and embarrassed about being observed.

3. The symptoms of mental illness many times seem illogical because they are. Don't be offended if your attempts at logically talking someone out of their feelings doesn't work. The last time I had a panic attack I was on my way to a bridal shower. There is nothing logical about panicking about a bridal shower. It made no sense to me and therefore there was no logical way to "talk me through it".

4. People with mental disorders are actually fighting their disorder all the time. They don't always show or tell what is going on in their mind. Imagine if you were fighting an internal fight all of your waking hours. It can make you grumpy, irritable and sometimes selfish. Do not take this personally or make someone feel like they have disappointed you. Just give them space to work through things. Here again, would you expect someone with cancer to have energy all the time? Would you fault them for those times that they are too tired to accomplish anything? It is the same for those with mental disorders. Their symptoms are directly linked to their disorder. Sometimes just waking up and putting one foot in front of the other and trying to fake their way through a day is all they can handle.

5. The most important thing is to just love them. Don't expect more than they are capable of. Don't judge them. Don't make them feel like a freak because they are not "normal". Do not talk about them behind their back. They did not ask for this but are doing the best they can. Just love them. Because the truth is they have a hard time loving themselves and they need to know someone believes in them.

My biological dad passed away today...

I was in the middle of making lunch for 7 children this afternoon when I received a phone call that my biological father was in the hospital and would probably not make it.

My biological father, Ed, was not a part of my life while I was growing up. He and my mom had been married for a very brief time and when their marriage ended, they both agreed it would be easier on me for my mom to take custody of me and later for Allan (the man my mom married when I was 3) to adopt me as his child. As a child, I didn't understand who Ed was and I didn't care to have a relationship with him. As I grew older and realized that the relationship I had with Allan was not a "normal" father/daughter relationship, I resented that Ed had walked out of my life. Fast forward to the last few years and I have longed to have a real father: Someone that loves me unconditionally, that feels a sense of protectiveness toward me, that puts my needs before his own. I didn't really realize how much I wished for that until recently when I have come to terms with the idea that although Allan gave me his last name, he was never really a father. Then, last summer, I started communicating with Ed through Facebook. I know many people like to think that Facebook is evil but I will be forever grateful that Facebook brought me in touch with Ed and that side of my family. I felt like I was just starting to get to know things about Ed and his wife, Carlene, and their children (my biological siblings) when Ed got the news that he had cancer. Can I just say that I hate the "C" word? Cancer is a horrible disease that takes too many good people from this earth. In the end, cancer took my dad.

By the time I got to the hospital, he had passed away. I never got the chance to talk to him in person in my adult life. We talked through Facebook and texts but we never got to sit down and really get to know each other. I was waiting until he started feeling better so I could meet with him and let my children get to know their grandpa. I am so emotional about that. I don't know how I can say that I miss someone I didn't really know or how I can mourn the loss of a life that had not had much time to influence mine. From what I did learn and know about Ed, he was a good man that loved his family and friends very much. And they adored him. He will be very missed, even by the daughter that wishes with all her heart that she had had more time with him. I will now look forward to the day I can sit down with him after my life on this earth is over. Rest in peace, Dad. I love you.