Food: Friend or Foe?

Throughout my life I have had a love/hate relationship with food. I taught myself to turn to food in order to not have to FEEL anything. Food would push down the sorrow, fear, anger, depression or anything else I was feeling. It was also my protection. When I was a young teenager I was obsessed with trying to stay thin. I would wake up and exercise before I went to school every day. I even joined Weight Watchers and got down to my goal weight. While I loved losing weight and feeling good about myself, I started noticing that I was getting more attention from the opposite sex. This was exciting when it was someone my age. Unfortunately, those were not the only people I was attracting. When I was 13, my dad began sexually abusing me. For whatever reason, I did not tell what was happening to me. I had this idea that I had to just be strong and handle it on my own. The only way I could handle it was with food. It was my comfort. I was still able to keep weight off for a few more years but once I started having children, the weight started piling on. I noticed that the more weight I gained, the less I was noticed by men. I began to equate being heavy with being safe from the kind of attention and abuse I received in my childhood. I would give half-hearted attempts at losing weight, even losing 150 pounds the year after my divorce from my first husband, but I would start to feel insecure and afraid again and the weight always came back on. At some point, I decided I was just supposed to be heavy and I gave up trying.

Satan had me right where he wanted me. The more I stopped caring about my body-my temple-the more complacent I became with everything. My scripture reading, personal prayers, temple attendance, church attendance, and spiritual growth became sporadic. Isn't it funny how all those things would tie in with food? So, what changed, you may ask? The answer is I have no idea. Seriously, there was no magic potion or lightning bolt that caused me to see the error of my ways. Looking back on things now, I realize everything happened one step at a time. Isn't that how our Heavenly Father often works? The things that have happened to me in the last few years have all played a part in changing the way I look at life (and food). Coming to terms with my childhood has been a big step. The process is ongoing but I feel much more at peace about it now. I am working through the steps of forgiving my dad and myself. It has taken counseling, hours of prayer, priesthood blessings, many conversations with close family and friends, and A LOT of help from a loving, patient Heavenly Father. It has also taken a greater understanding of exactly how the atonement benefits me personally. Another step in this process has been the change in my relationship with my husband. I didn't trust men. Sometimes, I still don't. That distrust was overflowing into my marriage and it was not productive. A couple of years ago things came to a head and my life would've never been the same if things had turned out differently. Now, I try not to take my husband for granted. I am very grateful for him. I'm grateful that he has been by my side helping me through this life. He has never put me down because of my weight, and his unconditional love makes me want to be a better person.

One of the biggest steps in finally having the desire and determination to get healthy is that I am aware of just how wonderful life can be, especially when you are living in accordance with the teachings of the gospel and the scriptures. I have watched people I love and respect make huge changes in their lives and have seen the joy that brings. I want that joy. I want to be healthy and strong. I want to be around a long time and make many happy memories with my husband, children, family and friends. I want my Father in Heaven to be proud of the choices I am making with this life He has blessed me with. I am realizing the value of food as a way to energize and nourish my body. I am realizing that it's okay to feel; in fact, it's a good thing. Most importantly, I am realizing that life is wonderful and I am ready to LIVE IT!